when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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