we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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