i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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