I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
