So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize