Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
