So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
