An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
