I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
