Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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