i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
