i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
