can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
