and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
