I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
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