I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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