Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
