Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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