I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
