Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
