Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
