when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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