I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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