you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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