Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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