i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
