I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
