I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just had sex bonerless
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
