If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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