You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
