Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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