so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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