i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
