Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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