Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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