I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
