My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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