The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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