It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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