thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
