While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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