fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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