it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
