My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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