Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
