I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
