If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
my liver is dry heaving
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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