yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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