She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
