Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Never underestimate the power of titties
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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