That's intense
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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