There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is Oprah even human
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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