eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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