is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
