Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize