I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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